Resources for the Mental Load :

What is the Mental Load ?

When most couples argue about housework, the conversation usually focuses on what needs to get done: laundry, dinner, kids’ activities. But beneath the visible chores lies a quieter, invisible force driving family life : cognitive labor.

Also known as the “mental load,” cognitive labor refers to the behind-the-scenes work of anticipating needs, identifying options, making decisions, and monitoring outcomes. 

Essentially, it is the thinking required to keep a household running. If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by planning dinner, coordinating childcare, or juggling your kid’s schedule without missing a beat, you’ve felt its weight…

Unequal mental labor doesn’t just cause tension. It shapes lives. Dr. Daminger shared stories of women scaling back careers or switching firms, not because they wanted to, but because they couldn’t sustain both a heavy home load and ambitious professional goals. That’s a loss, not just for them, but for their families and for a society that benefits when everyone gets to reach their potential !

This is why we have to talk about the mental load…

But just a friendly reminder - for implementing any change to how you and your partner carry this, it isn’t about perfection. It’s about progress, partnership, and designing a home life that lets both people thrive !

HERE is a great resource on explaining the Mental Load to your partner

Futher Resources :

  • Book “Fair Play” by Eve Rodsky : a time- and anxiety-saving system that offers couples a completely new way to divvy up chores and responsibilities. Rodsky interviewed more than five hundred men and women from all walks of life to figure out what the invisible work in a family actually entails and how to get it all done efficiently.

  • Book “Better Share” Dr. Morgan Cutlip : through research and stories based on real couples, this book guides you out of the endless stress and resentment cycle and into a relationship where sharing is caring, having fun together is a priority, and great sex isn't a thing of the past.

  • Research : HERE is completed research done at Harvard on the topic. If its easier to digest in podcast form, that can be found HERE.

  • YouTube "Zach Mental Load Coach” : his videos giving examples and explanations of how men can be better participants in the mental labor of their household

  • Podcast - Zach Think Share : deep dives into interviewing experts on ths topic

Step One - Set Up the Persist App :

For free, take their full CareLoad Assessment which helps you to visulize how much you each are currently carrying of the mental load, customize what reflects your reality and share insights that reveal the “why.”

  • See more about the app HERE

Step Two - Set Up a Shared Calendar :

  • First, you will want a shared calendar, a great optino is Google Calendar (as its free)

  • An additional useful tool is AgendaHero - this allows for easily grabbing calendar information from anywhere to merge into your caeldnar (think the school calendar coming as a PDF and needing to tediously add everything in your calendar. Rather you can use that app)

Step Three - Schedule a Weekly Meeting :

Then you’ll want to schedule a weekly meeting - Zach Watson calls it “The Boring Meeting”

This happens every week — go over the boring, small details of what is coming up and needs to get done, what in your home needs changing, and how your shared responsibilities are going.

“Having those conversations in a nonreactive, nondefensive moment is a really great way for us to start picking up on those small things rather than waiting for it to explode out of resentment,” Watson said.

When getting started, Watson recommended spending time establishing the minimum standard of care for the different home responsibilities. For example, he and his wife agree that doing the dishes means loading the dishwasher, hand-washing pots and pans, and then wiping down the counters. The couple also agree that because their Great Pyrenees dog is so fluffy, they don’t have to worry about the floors until they can pick up dog hair with a pinch of their fingers twice, he said.

“System implementation takes some time, so don’t expect your partner to start owning your share of the workload overnight,” Rodsky said in an email. “Start by renegotiating one household or childcare task. Just one can totally change the game.”

(Optional - Have a Longer Task Redistribution Time) :

All of this is a process that will take time, but it could help in additional to your weekly talk that you also schedule an intentional block of time to go through each of the “Cards” to establish your Minimum Standard of Care and then delegate. This will make your weekly meetings a more efficient time to readjust based on the realities of life

  • The Fair Play Cards - these are supplemental to the book for purchase, and are a great way to visually distribute the cards weekly. Alternative, here is a digital version of the cards that can be customized for your family

  • HERE is another way to distribute tasks, through this customizable Googlesheet. We have integrated it into Monday.com which is our professional project management system, and just made a private workspace with both of us on it, and we use this in our weekly meeting to redelegate or talk through the tasks.

Resources for The Mental Load & Kids

  • Notice & Do - how do you involve your kids in taking on the mental load ? Sam Kelly provides a great guide using something called “Notice & Do”

  • Cleaning Quest for ADHD Brains - this is a fun way to “gamify” different household tasks - good for kids or adults